New Job Anxiety

Today I have to admit I am rather anxious about my new job. I start it tomorrow. It's a data entry position and it does make me nervous. It's numeric key and even though I have a 10,000 ksph I still worry that I'm not quite good enough for it.

Plus I'm still trying to figure out the kinks in what will be my new work schedule. I guess there is a combination of arrogance and uncertainty. On one hand I am extremely arrogant about my typing skills but at the same time I worry that I'm not quite good enough. That I'm not typing as fast as the others. Etc.

And it does not help that the new job never tested my typing skills. I like to have that extra test to back it all up. On the other hand I did not quit the job I hate, loathe and despise yet. So I do have that as my cushion and I am applying to a few other place. I will never go back to full-time with OnStar. Hell will have to have six feet snow drifts first. See, I won't even settle for a cold day.

On other news I am designing and creating my heart out. I've got several things written out on what I want to design. I'm going to do some of it today. And then I'm going to cook most of the day. I'm starving and supper won't be ready in time for something to eat now... so I'm cooking me some pasta with butter.

Then I'll get up , peel my potatoe, cut my onions, and divide up my ham. I'm going to make potatoe soup and in the crock pot I'm going to make lentils and ham.

That way I don't have to worry about cooking for the next week. And I am now signing off. I will write again today more than likely.

My Book

This is the closest I've ever come to truly finishing an actual manuscript for a book. I'm so nervous. I'm writing more notes. The next few notes are going to push me to what is nearly the 50 percent mark. What is so special? That I am at a point in a manuscript where I can actually identify that there is a 50 percent mark to start with.

I know what I need to get done to accomplish the points and tie things together. My main character still has some major decisions that need to be made. I need a bloody model. This is killing me. I need some people to model for me so that I know how body parts work.

I will muddle though though.

One Last Day

Today I have one last day of drudgery with my solid 10 hours of customer service. I can't wait. I start my new schedule later in the week and my new job on Monday. What is my new job? It's a data entry position where all I am keying in is numbers. Which suits me just fine. I can live with just keying in numbers.

Between the jobs it's not going to leave me much for my social life. It won't leave much for sleep either for that matter. But the point of it is I am only dealing with hardcore customer service for 25 hours a week vs. 40. The other job is no customer service.

One Year Later

My last major relationship ended a year ago. July 14 in fact but I'm just getting around to writing this. My heart was not broken but it certainly took a beating. I felt betrayed to put it mildly and confused. It took a little while longer for the anger to set in.

Now the truthful part in me realized that we had problems. The biggest one revolving around intimacies. Any intimacies. Eventually he didn't even want to do what he called adult kissing and I couldn't understand why it was fine before and suddenly it wasn't. Sex was an entirely different problem.

He thought I was overly sexual. I knew that I was at my wits end towards the end. And that something was going to have to change because I couldn't take it to much longer. It was making serious inroads into my self-confidence and self-esteem. Even holding me to spoon me was a bad thing because I was escaping reality.

Unfortunately, I loved him. I truly, deeply, loved him. And you shouldn't give up on love. At least that's what I believed. And then I caught him kissing another girl in a manner that he stopped kissing me. He had a bad night that night. And the pain. It was horrible. I was skeptical about all the "I love you's". And he managed to make me feel guilty and bad because I didn't want to trust it by accusing me of not trusting and being willing to just accept.

So we are here one year later. My quality of life is by and large amazing.

I have Highland Games and I'm actively involved in my clan.
I have Eidolon Foundation.
I'm having my first full success at writing a novel.
I have pub quiz and kilt nights.

I'm alive and I love it. I've made a few male "friends" along the way. The ones that started pushing me to commit fully into a relationship are not part of my life. It would be nice to have a boyfriend from time to time (mostly every time I need to change a light bulb).

My life is rich with activity now and it's improved so tremendously. I've moved from Greensboro to Charlotte area. And sure it would be nice to have a friend to spend time with from time to time but it's not a requirement. So many women go through life looking for a man to complete them. I'm complete all on my own and I think that is important to bring into my next relationship when it sneaks up on me.

The Inexplicable

My cat is always a source of amusement and wonderment. The wonderment is on why some things make sense to her when I'm honestly baffled. Take for instance:

I made Tuna Fish Salad yesterday. It was amazing. It took opening the third can to draw her from upstairs to the kitchen. I am a benevolent owner. I drain my tuna fish and save the juice in a bowl just for her.

Then I set the bowl down. She takes a few licks and then go back to begging me. Which makes sense. She's probably going "Ok I know I've got this much, now let's see if I can get more." But even after I'm done and it's no longer an issue...she doesn't touch the Tuna fish juice. I go out for a few hours leaving her all by herself in the house. I come home. There is tuna fish juice. When I went downstairs this morning... somewhere in the middle of the night, the glutton licked the bowl clean...

Why? This is a cat that is not shy about having an audience to eat in front of. In fact she wants to be watched. She will almost refuse to eat if you don't want her. Except for the Tuna Fish juice.

I raise weird pets. The dog is worse. He thinks he is the size of a lap dog.

The Fierce Hunter

Today we find the fierce hunter croaching on the edge of the couch being tormented by the onslaught of birds, bugs, and anything else that might catch her eye as it goes by her window view. There she goes for the kill... no..... there is a mysterious barrier separating her from the big, bad world outside.

By the way, I love my cat!

Freedom Of Speech Gone?

Today was a sad day for Americans as our right to privacy has been further eroded. This article outlines it in more detail.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080710/pl_nm/usa_surveillance_dc

As a paraphrase it essentially means that the US Government has the right to spy on whomever they want and they can cover their behinds by saying, "Oh we suspected terrorism."

So the real question here is this. Who decides what is terrorism? Is this very blog, because I am speaking out against it an act of terrorism? No government can protect its people 100 percent of the time. And I just don't see how the channels that worked for years and years with getting warrants and such are no longer good enough.

The Government says they are doing this to keep us safe but I for one feel less safe because of this. I feel more exposed and that perhaps I should be more careful at what I say to others when it goes against the opinion of the current government administration. The Soviet Union spied on their people for the better good of the nation. China spies on their people for in their justification the better of the nation. To protect the country from something bad. Adolph Hitler spied on his countrymen but with the initial justification that it was for the overall good.

So my question now is going to be this. When is the next step going to happen? When will it be that the Americans are no longer being spied on for terrorism but for repression of ideals that run contradictory to those who are in power?

Meet The Cast - Take One

I am so jealous of Laurell K. Hamilton. She is able to let go what I should. But I have trust issues. What can she do? I will quote her, "I’ve totally let Merry have her head, and end the book as she pleases. I’m still waiting for my bloodbath, but Merry has other ideas. It’s her book, and her life. I just work there. I don’t have to live there, so who am I to complain?"

I'm stuck and I'm going to have to let one of my main characters, Cassandra James to have her way. She is more than likely going to kill her father who was a royal son of a bitch. I was hoping to use the father as a villain in another book.

Apparently I'm not going to be so lucky. Granted he deserves to die. He hates all monsters and hated even more that his own flesh and blood was born with extrodinary gifts. He made her disappear as a child and spent years trying to rid her of her demons.

Then there is Jared. Jared is my vampire. He's 2000 years old which is a challenge because that's a pile of real history that I have to get in touch with. I'm limiting him somewhat geographically to make it easier. England, Ireland, Wales, and Scotland for 95 percent of it. For 200 years and some change America.

Jared speaks to me as well. He is the cultural moderate. He's arrogant and powerful. The ultimate warrior. He's been voted sexiest undead for 10 times. They've only been doing sexiest undead for 10 years. He likes motorcycles and The Grateful Dead. He is brilliant in all ways. A true terror on the business world.

There are a few more but that's all. What is the purpose of me sharing this? I need to restablish my head on this. I lost touch of my story a few days ago and I need to get it fixed or I'm going to lose it all together. And now I need to let my characters do what they need to do instead of micro-managing them.

Music

I write to music. It's the simple fact. I can write whole scenes in my head at work by listening to my mp3 player on my breaks. Then I can rewrite them perfectly by listening to the same set of songs.

Tonight I finally found my Moulin Rogue Soundtracks. I really missed having them. So I added to my mp3 player. On one hand I don't see me writing vampires with it. It more likely will be my Regency for it.

Moulin Rogue was without a doubt one of my favorite Nicole Kidman movies and I think she should have won the Oscar for it. I've not cared for the Oscars since she lost for it. In fact I think she used more real emotion for it than she did with The Hours which she later did win the Oscar. And even though the ending utterly sucked it was still awesome.

The soundtrack is amazing because the songs are redone with a broadway type twist.

I'm adding another picture of myself.

The Peace, The Quiet

My Mom went home today. A day early incidentally. I love my Mom. I truly do. But I am glad to have my house back. I didn't realize how much noise level having her here would be. Take for example, the television. I watch maybe 4 hours of television a week. We had the television on from 6am to noon today.

Amazing. On the other hand, I didn't realize that my existence had become quite so quiet. It must be because of working a high demand customer service job. I know that I only talk to a handful of people. There are only a handful of people that I want to speak to period.

I did enjoy showing my Mom around town and we did have a good time together. But now I have my quiet home left where the television is turned off. Pita is laying at the window watching the bugs fly by. And I am writing at my blog because as quiet as my environment is, my mind never truly is quiet.

Mom is giving me her VHS collection. An awesome feat to be sure. My movie collection has essentially quadrupled. Why would I want VHS? Why not? I have a VCR. The movies play and I still get enjoyment from them. Mom is buying DVD's now.

I've not written on my book lately. I'm going to try to write some in the next hour. In the meantime I think I will watch my cat watch bugs fly by the window.

The Discovery Place

Now please bear in mind that at the time we went to the Discovery Place I was exhausted. I just wasn't impressed. It sounded pretty awesome but I expected it to be an all day event. And it wasn't. I think if I hadn't went in with pre-conceived expectations it wouldn't be so bad but I was expecting it to be like the Fernbank in Atlanta, GA.

The IMAX is pretty good. They will be having The Dark Knight when it comes out. I think I'm going to see it when it does. I was a Heath Ledger fan.

Mom and I are having a blast though I must admit, I'm not sleeping well on the couch. When Mom comes in, I give up my bed even though she says she would sleep on the couch. And hades is frozen wasteland before I allow my 76 year old mother do such a thing.

I'm re-writing this blog because I had a bit of a migraine when I wrote it initially.

A Friendship Quote

I tend to collect good quotes and so I'm going to post one.

My friend, if I could give you one thing, I would give you the ability to see yourself as others see you... then you would realize what a truly special person you are. - Barbara A. Billings

First Day Of Mom

Well my Mom made it in and so far we've had a good time. We went and saw the new Indiana Jones movie and it was good. We ate at Applebee's and I did some grocery shopping. We're not doing much for the 4th of July.

We're going to have BBQ chicken, baked beans, garlic bread, pineapple upside down cake, and watermelon. Then on Saturday we'll go up to the Discovery Place. Mom bought me my clan crest pin to go with my sash. Woot!

My cat is extremely unhappy about the events. She's hid under the bed and has slunk around carefully avoiding Mom all day. Which makes no sense. It's not like she's never seen my mother. So I don't get what's up with it. Other than weirdness. Right now she's hiding under the computer desk.

I am going to go ahead and post one picture of myself. It's not the best picture in the world of me but it is the first of me wearing my clan tartan.

Goal! Once A Week

Ok my goal is to blog at least once a week. There. I have a stated goal. Writing... it's awesome. Though I need models! Male models! To stand there looking pretty while I'm writing out descriptions of them. Actually I just need a 6 foot 4 or 5 and a 6 footer. That covers most of the range.

I'm starting to build to the climax of this whole thing and it's awesome. I'm working mostly at the moment on the goth-horror novel. That's the one that climax is starting to build. The plot is thickening. There's a few incidents of confrontation.

I already know how it's going to end. The bad guy gets punished... I might kill him off. One useless person less in the imaginary world. I read my favorite author's blog today. She hits being a writer on the nail sometimes. It's scary too.. more often than not I'm just nodding along. Because to write it is hard. Some days it just flows out of me in restless anticipation. Some days I fight for every single sentence.

This is the hardest thing I've ever written (the book, not the blog). I'm writing it in first person. And it's hard to combine it all and it still be interesting and fun. It would be sooo much easier if I switched voice positions and did it the other way. It certainly makes writing on the Regency a pleasant break.

Enough of my writing obsession though. My Mom comes into town tomorrow. I haven't seen her since February. So this is going to be awesome. This is the first time she's seeing my new place. I will take pictures of my domain and post. I promise. Just not yet.

Mom's baking me mac and cheese, and a pineapple upside down cake to bring over. I'm loved. We'll be visiting a rose garden this weekend. I'll take pictures and post those as well.